Dear Carolyn: Around a month ago, my mother had a scheduled procedure in my brother's city, which is about four hours away from my parents' place. The plan was for my parents to stay with my brother and his family for approximately a week.
Unfortunately, my mother experienced complications and had to be hospitalized while my father stayed with them. This situation caused a lot of stress and uncertainty. One morning during breakfast, tensions rose when they realized they didn't have time to make dinner and eat together due to work, my mother's condition, and the kids' responsibilities. As a solution, my sister-in-law suggested ordering food through DoorDash. However, my father insisted that my older niece, who is 15 years old, should cook dinner once she gets home from school. My sister-in-law explained that she couldn't because she had two school projects due the next day. Despite this, my father stuck to his point. In response, my niece told him that he could cook dinner himself if he wanted a home-cooked meal. This led to my father slapping my niece in the face.
As a result, my brother and sister-in-law asked my father to leave their house. Although my brother continues to deal with our parents at the hospital, he doesn't want our father around his children anymore. I flew out to help get my father settled in a hotel and offer support.
From what I can see, it's evident that my father is displaying signs of early-onset dementia that are affecting his personality. However, here's where I need some perspective: I believe my brother is overreacting to the situation. In my opinion, an apology from my niece to my father for her comment would go a long way in resolving the issue. I suggested this to my brother as a way to smooth things over, but he rejected the idea. My siblings are supporting my brother's decision. I feel like I'm the only one trying to help my father, and it seems like my family is falling apart over something that isn't that significant. Can you or your readers provide some insight on this matter?
Perspective Check: The way your brother and sister-in-law protect their children, and from what (a sexist, abusive grandparent or a dementia-violent one), is not within your jurisdiction.
I could delve into the details, but then we'd both get lost in unnecessary information that distracts from the immediate concern of your parents' health logistics, which is your responsibility. You don't have a say in whether your father stays at your brother's home.
Therefore, my advice is to let it go. Don't give your opinion, inquire about it, or try to fix it. It's done.
Focus all your attention on the teamwork between you and your siblings: determining the care your parents need, who is willing to provide it, and when. Stick to the facts: "Okay, Dad needs X and has to go to Y, and brother isn't an option." That's it. Just straightforward information. That's where you should direct your energy now.
This may seem strange because it disregards the obvious issue, and we usually make sense of things through discussion, but nothing will worsen this situation faster than coming in with a "should" mindset. Demanding apologies, in particular, can be detrimental.
Readers' thoughts:
- Can you understand that your niece's parents are teaching her that it is NEVER acceptable for a man to assault her? If they had told her to apologize, they would be conveying the message that it was her fault for being hit by a man. Ponder on that.
- A man slapping his granddaughter after interfering in a situation where he had no business (as his daughter-in-law had already made the meal plan) IS a significant issue. Whether he has dementia or not is beside the point; the child should never have to apologize. Persistently bothering your brother will only distance him from you and your father.